Everything seemed great at first, under the circumstances of a last minute adoption....I insisted the couple agree to an open or at least semi open adoption. One couple was refused becasue they said they would not honor that. During the deposition to waive rights, i was informed Oklahoma law did not protect me or my open adoption at which point I immediately STOPPED the interview. I said, this was NOT what they had told me, or what I'd agreed to. My attorney from demastus went and got the parents attorney from demastus who sat with me and assured me that the two had agreed, and they would honor that it be open, I would have nothing to worry about. The coordinator for demastus assured me they only dealt with those willing to at least have semi-open adoptions that was mandatory unless the birthmother was not comfortable with it. After more discussion, we reconvened. The first two visits set up with the birthmom, she did not bring my son. I just wanted to know that he was ok, had a horrible birth and was so torn over the decision those four days in the hospital ( i didnt not make it official till the last day) that I wanted to see him. But I did not want the amom to worry I would have reservations or try to do something weird. So I kept mum. We talked of him and went on our way. I got pictures after calling a few times and reminding them, but after the first year I have had nothing and he is 3 now. I've tried to recognize they may be overprotective, and honor their boundries, but I call and leave messages for Demastus to advocate and don't even get a call back. I feel used. I feel betrayed. I feel like I was taken advantage of in a horribly fragile time in my life. Now I am a successfull journalist top in my local field, ready to go national and advocate with Oprah, whoever need be, I have two Legislators that are close to me that I am willing to put aside my pride with and lobby to change our laws. All I want is a photo. Is that too much to ask...for a mother? I just want to know he is alive and well. They owe me that at least after promising me even more than that. If you are willing to help me or share your experience please email me.
I am sorry that the AP's have not kept up their word. My partner and I have an open adoption with our daughter's birth parents and they will always know what is going on in her life! They are an important piece of her history. Unfortunately there are too many AP's that just say what they need to say to get a baby, but then won't live up to their promises. They have no integrity. I agree that it should be legally binding. I hope you are able to resolve your issues with the AP's and if not I do not blame you in pursuing legislation. Good luck, and once again I am sorry for the action of others. It makes mother's second guess whether they will place their children when they cannot count on someone's word.
When choosing AP's it's so important that you have a bond & become acquainted with before you actually decide to choose them. Some AP's DO turn out to be faulty in that, but if you can make sure they are on the same page as you as far as pictures are concerned, then you should have a good result. A lot of BM's don't place a lot of importance on receiving pics in the beginning, but then later decide that they do want them. It's kind of a crap shoot really. It's all about YOUR communication with the AP's, so just make sure you pick ones you feel comfortable with & make sure they are genuine in their intentions to send them every so often. (usually quarterly)
0 Feelings are feelings, & they change for people...it's only human nature.
Thank you so much for your kind words. May I ask you, as an adoptive mother who has an open relationship....I have already completed the background search to locate them. I have their info in my hands...and have for a short time. As I mentioned, I am a journalist with smarts and connections. But I have kept the contact info at bay, because I do not want them to misinterpret my motives or be scared away by me making initial contact. So, I have tried and tried to get the adoption agency to advocate but after seeing all these postings I think it may be the agency staff that are slacking, not the parents. So now I am thinking I should just drive to the fathers place of business (so its less intrusive than the home, I wont be emotional if I see my son, and the mother -who I believe has led the charge against me- won't be non-level headed about it) and re-introduce myself and explain that my calls have gone unanswered for 2 years....and I just wish to know he is well and please send a photo once in a while. I am willing to honor all their boundaries, even though I was misled about the openness. I just wish to see a happy look on his face through the years, and I know they are the only ones who can do that for me...so I don't want to ruin any chances. In 10 minutes I would like to show the dad who I am, what I do for a living, what a good person I am, and that I mean no harm. They are socialites, and have since decided to hide the adoption. I don't want them to feel threatened by me. So how would you suggest I approach this?
Hi
Your question may not have been for the general public and meant for a specific person, I think, but, I felt compelled to put my two cents in cause that's the kind of person I am :)
May I suggest that you write the AP's rather than just showing up at their home or office. Put yourself in their shoes and think about how you would feel if someone tracked you down and just showed up in your life. It may have an adverse effect than the one you're hoping for. Writing a letter, since you have the address, would be "less intrusive" and give them the opportunity to hear you out completely without any interruptions as many in-person conversations go sometimes. Plus if they are at work, or even at home sometimes, they may not be able to give you undivided attention. I think in the letter you may be able to convey your feelings better and they may not feel so on-the-spot as if you just showed up. Give them a chance to respond and show them you mean well by respecting their privacy. Remember that they love your son, he's their son too. You don't want to put them in a position where they think they have to protect him because they don't know your intentions. Send them your love in a letter and let that be your guide.
I hope you can connect with them and they can put you at ease so you find peace of mind.
Best of luck to you and thank you for having given so much.
I think the person who responded above is correct about not making the AP's feel threatened. It is awful that they have not lived up to their end of the bargain with you....I'm sure that it has soured you on your feelings for adoption to an extent. However, I think all AP's have a nagging feeling in the back of their head that the biological parents may show up some day and want to take their child back no matter how irrational that thought is. So, it probably is better to try and write them first to express your feelings and thoughts. And they will have more time to try and digest what you are saying. Showing up at their place of employment could backfire. You could even send the letter requiring a signature so you know they received it. I have some other thoughts, but would rather you contact me personally. Feel free to e-mail me at: pedsflightrn@nc.rr.com
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MISLED: I just want a PHOTO
Everything seemed great at first, under the circumstances of a last minute adoption....I insisted the couple agree to an open or at least semi open adoption. One couple was refused becasue they said they would not honor that. During the deposition to waive rights, i was informed Oklahoma law did not protect me or my open adoption at which point I immediately STOPPED the interview. I said, this was NOT what they had told me, or what I'd agreed to. My attorney from demastus went and got the parents attorney from demastus who sat with me and assured me that the two had agreed, and they would honor that it be open, I would have nothing to worry about. The coordinator for demastus assured me they only dealt with those willing to at least have semi-open adoptions that was mandatory unless the birthmother was not comfortable with it. After more discussion, we reconvened. The first two visits set up with the birthmom, she did not bring my son. I just wanted to know that he was ok, had a horrible birth and was so torn over the decision those four days in the hospital ( i didnt not make it official till the last day) that I wanted to see him. But I did not want the amom to worry I would have reservations or try to do something weird. So I kept mum. We talked of him and went on our way. I got pictures after calling a few times and reminding them, but after the first year I have had nothing and he is 3 now. I've tried to recognize they may be overprotective, and honor their boundries, but I call and leave messages for Demastus to advocate and don't even get a call back. I feel used. I feel betrayed. I feel like I was taken advantage of in a horribly fragile time in my life. Now I am a successfull journalist top in my local field, ready to go national and advocate with Oprah, whoever need be, I have two Legislators that are close to me that I am willing to put aside my pride with and lobby to change our laws. All I want is a photo. Is that too much to ask...for a mother? I just want to know he is alive and well. They owe me that at least after promising me even more than that. If you are willing to help me or share your experience please email me.
So sorry this is happening to you
I am sorry that the AP's have not kept up their word. My partner and I have an open adoption with our daughter's birth parents and they will always know what is going on in her life! They are an important piece of her history. Unfortunately there are too many AP's that just say what they need to say to get a baby, but then won't live up to their promises. They have no integrity. I agree that it should be legally binding. I hope you are able to resolve your issues with the AP's and if not I do not blame you in pursuing legislation. Good luck, and once again I am sorry for the action of others. It makes mother's second guess whether they will place their children when they cannot count on someone's word.
Choosing
When choosing AP's it's so important that you have a bond & become acquainted with before you actually decide to choose them. Some AP's DO turn out to be faulty in that, but if you can make sure they are on the same page as you as far as pictures are concerned, then you should have a good result. A lot of BM's don't place a lot of importance on receiving pics in the beginning, but then later decide that they do want them. It's kind of a crap shoot really. It's all about YOUR communication with the AP's, so just make sure you pick ones you feel comfortable with & make sure they are genuine in their intentions to send them every so often. (usually quarterly)
0 Feelings are feelings, & they change for people...it's only human nature.
How do I approach AP who has avoided me?
Thank you so much for your kind words. May I ask you, as an adoptive mother who has an open relationship....I have already completed the background search to locate them. I have their info in my hands...and have for a short time. As I mentioned, I am a journalist with smarts and connections. But I have kept the contact info at bay, because I do not want them to misinterpret my motives or be scared away by me making initial contact. So, I have tried and tried to get the adoption agency to advocate but after seeing all these postings I think it may be the agency staff that are slacking, not the parents. So now I am thinking I should just drive to the fathers place of business (so its less intrusive than the home, I wont be emotional if I see my son, and the mother -who I believe has led the charge against me- won't be non-level headed about it) and re-introduce myself and explain that my calls have gone unanswered for 2 years....and I just wish to know he is well and please send a photo once in a while. I am willing to honor all their boundaries, even though I was misled about the openness. I just wish to see a happy look on his face through the years, and I know they are the only ones who can do that for me...so I don't want to ruin any chances. In 10 minutes I would like to show the dad who I am, what I do for a living, what a good person I am, and that I mean no harm. They are socialites, and have since decided to hide the adoption. I don't want them to feel threatened by me. So how would you suggest I approach this?
Makeb a phone call...
You can call me @ 405-343-9153. I'll help you as much as I can. I am the current coordinator for Demastus & will do what it takes to get pics for you!
Makeb a phone call...
You can call me @ 405-343-9153. I'll help you as much as I can. I am the current coordinator for Demastus & will do what it takes to get pics for you!
To: Misled about approaching AP's
Hi
Your question may not have been for the general public and meant for a specific person, I think, but, I felt compelled to put my two cents in cause that's the kind of person I am :)
May I suggest that you write the AP's rather than just showing up at their home or office. Put yourself in their shoes and think about how you would feel if someone tracked you down and just showed up in your life. It may have an adverse effect than the one you're hoping for. Writing a letter, since you have the address, would be "less intrusive" and give them the opportunity to hear you out completely without any interruptions as many in-person conversations go sometimes. Plus if they are at work, or even at home sometimes, they may not be able to give you undivided attention. I think in the letter you may be able to convey your feelings better and they may not feel so on-the-spot as if you just showed up. Give them a chance to respond and show them you mean well by respecting their privacy. Remember that they love your son, he's their son too. You don't want to put them in a position where they think they have to protect him because they don't know your intentions. Send them your love in a letter and let that be your guide.
I hope you can connect with them and they can put you at ease so you find peace of mind.
Best of luck to you and thank you for having given so much.
In some agreement
I think the person who responded above is correct about not making the AP's feel threatened. It is awful that they have not lived up to their end of the bargain with you....I'm sure that it has soured you on your feelings for adoption to an extent. However, I think all AP's have a nagging feeling in the back of their head that the biological parents may show up some day and want to take their child back no matter how irrational that thought is. So, it probably is better to try and write them first to express your feelings and thoughts. And they will have more time to try and digest what you are saying. Showing up at their place of employment could backfire. You could even send the letter requiring a signature so you know they received it. I have some other thoughts, but would rather you contact me personally. Feel free to e-mail me at: pedsflightrn@nc.rr.com