I have attempted to contact you through the Demastus Agency for over 3 years now to no avail.
They won't even return a phone call, not one single time, nor fax. Thus, I have began the exhaustive search process and began leaving messages on online chat boards and signing up with adoption adovocates and websites and registries to take a proactive stance in the matter in hopes of regaining contact.
I only wish to know how Nathan is and have a chance to explain to you how I was misled by this adoption. I believed that with Jamey's education in psychology, and mine, as well as your beliefs in education and promising in your letter to do what is best for Nathan, that the fragile nature of his little psyche was entrusted to the two who would know what to do and read every book or news article available regarding adoption, how to live it out, what research says, and that this would blossom into a loving gift that we both equally shared. You having helped give a child I could not see a happy future for with me the very best that he deserved, and I giving you a talented, very healthy, and very beautiful child. I believed in my heart, as hard as it was to do, that this was in some complicated way God's will.
Adoption became a factor only in the last month of my pregnancy( which I was 3 weeks overdue I might add) as a result of the father's last minute denial of paternity and refusal to help financially when he'd promised so much and was able... and I a mother of a 3 year old who received no aid of any sort from the government because I was using my new bachelor's degree in the mental health field making just enough to scrape by, had nine dollars in my bank account when he was born trying to keep utilities on and the rent paid after the moving expenses I was still catching up on from months before on my dream to become a great adult and help the mentally ill. I'd spent months huge and pregnant sleeping on an air mattress, paying for my doctor visits, lab bills, eating healthy, attaching, bonding, holding him in my belly and believing I would parent him. I had almost 2 weeks paid sick leave to take after he'd be born then I would need to pay for child care, and I'd had 3 tests, one of which was the sonogram, indicating down's syndrome, for which my ob/gyn had already referred me to a specialist saying he would require immediate care. The last few weeks I was flooded with fear on how I would manage since the father withdrew. I imagined us evicted and stuck 7 hours from home, my car was broke down, I had no phone, so there was not even a way to get to family across the state, who would be terribly judgmental. After receiving a nasty email from the father saying he wouldn't help and maybe adoption was a better option due to the down's, I saw another commercial for Demastus saying something like, "If you really love your child and want more for them, call." So I called and set up an appointment with a Demastus advocate explained my situation and my reservations, asked many questions for which they had all the right answers to, I initially agreed to consider (CONSIDER) an open adoption only. One set of parents' packet was dismissed as soon as I read they would not agree to an open adoption. To which she replied that the agency didn't even deal with parents who were not open to the birthmother's wishes, something I believe to be rubbish now. The agency said they would get my car running, pay the rent for me to recuperate on maternity leave and deal with any mental hardship, get me a phone to call friends for support (which I didn't have) and said I needed to focus on taking care of my daughter and giving her a better life, and at the same time giving my son the life he deserved. I believed it....and it is true in most regards. I am a very spiritual person, and when I saw your packet, all your interests listed matched mine to a T, Jamey's degree and field was the exact same, education and travel were a priority as it is with me, your marriage and love for one another was evident, and I didn't want my kids in a broken home, they'd lived in Colorado as had I, been to New York as had I, and as corny as it sounds, I was born and bred an OU fan, and you displayed that very well in your photos, as well as stated you hoped to raise your family here with Oklahoman beliefs and you were in the very town I was. It was comforting to know a little about what that meant, and what he would be raised to believe or even see and appreciate, versus say California of which I have no idea of the culture. I was even careful enough to analyze that adoptive parents tend to bond more with a child who resembles them, and their interests, and the traits such as hair color and eyes were exactly the same for the father of Nathan and Mike, including their intelligence factor, just as with myself and Jamey our beautiful green eyes which have a tint of blue and yellow were a match, and I already mentioned the field of study. All around we resembled eachother, only it was as if you were us in an alternate universe where we lived happily in love, were grown and successful. I remembered thinking sometimes as a depressed child, if only I could have chose my parents things would be better. And I felt this was my chance to choose my son's parents who as hard as it was and is to admit, could do so much more for him than I ever could at that time in my life, and provide the love as well.
I understand and greatly appreciate your protection of Nathan, and I want you to know I do not wish to interfere in any way with your life together, I simply have a biological emotional need to know that he is ok, and regardless of how much you possess or that I know of this or that or Jamey telling me years ago he was your prince and would want for nothing, I just wish to see his smiling face from time to time for reassurance, to know I did the right thing. To know it was God's will and all is well. To give me what little peace of mind I can have.
You should also know that I stopped the deposition at the courthouse hearing in OKC to waive my rights when the issue of legalities and open adoptions in the state of Oklahoma was brought forth to me. No one EVER told me there was no way to enforce it here, it was all peaches and cream before that, we stopped got up I walked out crying and they followed into the lobby and went and got your attorney Tina Peot, who assured me that you were very nice people who agreed to the open adoption and there would be no problems. I believed her. Was I a fool? Was I taken advantage of during the most fragile, indescribably horrific moment of my life?
I have not seen his face smiling since his first year, and even that was a struggle to get. I honestly DO feel misled. And I have been, or I wouldn't have to be writing this letter now, searching the state for a way to contact you and let you know I am not a mom who just passed this baby on to someone else as a relief and moved on. I had the best of intentions and it was for a long term commitment to live a difficult new role, as a birthmother. Not the adoptive mother who would parent, but still as a birth mom, a new family friend.
Before we moved from Tulsa back home across the state, I met with Jayme (hoping to see Nathan, but she did not bring him - my first heartbreak- that is if you don't count the first visit at Chilli's when he didn't accompany her, but I thought that may have been best since it was still so new and I was so fragile emotionally) at the Cracker Barrell and asked that we exchange addresses or email which she said she must ask you first. This was my second heart break to learn that things were not going as planned. Not even an email? There's nothing personal about that. You can set a free one up on any number of websites. Regardless, I respected that and instead gave her ALL of my information, putting the ball in her court, my new address, the email I've had since I was a senior in high school and still have active today, and my grandmother's phone number, which is also still on. She asks about him about every 3 months if not more, and what my progress is, and has encouraged me in my search to find you. I have filled out a forwarding address with the Postal Service upon each move I've ever had and as I said before, contacted the adoption agency to request an update, photos and left my address and phone number numerous times over the last 3.5 years.
To this date I have nothing, but old photos I've pined over. I am willing to honor your new wishes of staying in the background, even though it was NOT what I agreed to for this adoption, because I respect the life you are giving him and only want a happy life for him and you all as a family.
I just wish you would respect that I gave him that life, and I wish to see that he is living it happily. I am attempting to contact you in every way first, but you realize Ive lived as a journalist for 4 years now and I am ready to become an advocate for this tragedy, even if it means writing a letter to the editor of every newspaper, telling my story online, to the associated press for which I am a managing editor of, and even working with the legislators to get this changed in Oklahoma. I work and lunch with Senators, both on the state and Federal level, including the president pro tempore of the house, who happens to be a close friend who encouraged me through college, and I feel if an agreement on a car is valuable, then the agreement on a life should be as well. I know I can make a good case for change in this conservative state which advocates giving life. More women may do so if they believe it can be a beautiful experience, not a sad one of how they were conned and I've found on the message boards that this is more common than just my story.
I would love for us to have a healthy blossoming relationship that I envisioned as well, be it only photos and an occasional letter.
Thank you for your time and love you are providing Nathan, please consider this with all your heart.
"Because the agreement on a car is NOT worth more than the agreement on a child...— Misled Birthmom for Open Adoptions"
This is really heartbreaking. I hope you were able to get intouch with them. If they have any heart, they will re-open the adoption as agreed. When your son gets older, he will find out the truth.
Printer-friendly version
Reviews
Misled Mom's First Draft Letter-Feedback please
Dear Michael and Jamey,
How is Nathan?
I have attempted to contact you through the Demastus Agency for over 3 years now to no avail.
They won't even return a phone call, not one single time, nor fax. Thus, I have began the exhaustive search process and began leaving messages on online chat boards and signing up with adoption adovocates and websites and registries to take a proactive stance in the matter in hopes of regaining contact.
I only wish to know how Nathan is and have a chance to explain to you how I was misled by this adoption. I believed that with Jamey's education in psychology, and mine, as well as your beliefs in education and promising in your letter to do what is best for Nathan, that the fragile nature of his little psyche was entrusted to the two who would know what to do and read every book or news article available regarding adoption, how to live it out, what research says, and that this would blossom into a loving gift that we both equally shared. You having helped give a child I could not see a happy future for with me the very best that he deserved, and I giving you a talented, very healthy, and very beautiful child. I believed in my heart, as hard as it was to do, that this was in some complicated way God's will.
Adoption became a factor only in the last month of my pregnancy( which I was 3 weeks overdue I might add) as a result of the father's last minute denial of paternity and refusal to help financially when he'd promised so much and was able... and I a mother of a 3 year old who received no aid of any sort from the government because I was using my new bachelor's degree in the mental health field making just enough to scrape by, had nine dollars in my bank account when he was born trying to keep utilities on and the rent paid after the moving expenses I was still catching up on from months before on my dream to become a great adult and help the mentally ill. I'd spent months huge and pregnant sleeping on an air mattress, paying for my doctor visits, lab bills, eating healthy, attaching, bonding, holding him in my belly and believing I would parent him. I had almost 2 weeks paid sick leave to take after he'd be born then I would need to pay for child care, and I'd had 3 tests, one of which was the sonogram, indicating down's syndrome, for which my ob/gyn had already referred me to a specialist saying he would require immediate care. The last few weeks I was flooded with fear on how I would manage since the father withdrew. I imagined us evicted and stuck 7 hours from home, my car was broke down, I had no phone, so there was not even a way to get to family across the state, who would be terribly judgmental. After receiving a nasty email from the father saying he wouldn't help and maybe adoption was a better option due to the down's, I saw another commercial for Demastus saying something like, "If you really love your child and want more for them, call." So I called and set up an appointment with a Demastus advocate explained my situation and my reservations, asked many questions for which they had all the right answers to, I initially agreed to consider (CONSIDER) an open adoption only. One set of parents' packet was dismissed as soon as I read they would not agree to an open adoption. To which she replied that the agency didn't even deal with parents who were not open to the birthmother's wishes, something I believe to be rubbish now. The agency said they would get my car running, pay the rent for me to recuperate on maternity leave and deal with any mental hardship, get me a phone to call friends for support (which I didn't have) and said I needed to focus on taking care of my daughter and giving her a better life, and at the same time giving my son the life he deserved. I believed it....and it is true in most regards. I am a very spiritual person, and when I saw your packet, all your interests listed matched mine to a T, Jamey's degree and field was the exact same, education and travel were a priority as it is with me, your marriage and love for one another was evident, and I didn't want my kids in a broken home, they'd lived in Colorado as had I, been to New York as had I, and as corny as it sounds, I was born and bred an OU fan, and you displayed that very well in your photos, as well as stated you hoped to raise your family here with Oklahoman beliefs and you were in the very town I was. It was comforting to know a little about what that meant, and what he would be raised to believe or even see and appreciate, versus say California of which I have no idea of the culture. I was even careful enough to analyze that adoptive parents tend to bond more with a child who resembles them, and their interests, and the traits such as hair color and eyes were exactly the same for the father of Nathan and Mike, including their intelligence factor, just as with myself and Jamey our beautiful green eyes which have a tint of blue and yellow were a match, and I already mentioned the field of study. All around we resembled eachother, only it was as if you were us in an alternate universe where we lived happily in love, were grown and successful. I remembered thinking sometimes as a depressed child, if only I could have chose my parents things would be better. And I felt this was my chance to choose my son's parents who as hard as it was and is to admit, could do so much more for him than I ever could at that time in my life, and provide the love as well.
I understand and greatly appreciate your protection of Nathan, and I want you to know I do not wish to interfere in any way with your life together, I simply have a biological emotional need to know that he is ok, and regardless of how much you possess or that I know of this or that or Jamey telling me years ago he was your prince and would want for nothing, I just wish to see his smiling face from time to time for reassurance, to know I did the right thing. To know it was God's will and all is well. To give me what little peace of mind I can have.
You should also know that I stopped the deposition at the courthouse hearing in OKC to waive my rights when the issue of legalities and open adoptions in the state of Oklahoma was brought forth to me. No one EVER told me there was no way to enforce it here, it was all peaches and cream before that, we stopped got up I walked out crying and they followed into the lobby and went and got your attorney Tina Peot, who assured me that you were very nice people who agreed to the open adoption and there would be no problems. I believed her. Was I a fool? Was I taken advantage of during the most fragile, indescribably horrific moment of my life?
I have not seen his face smiling since his first year, and even that was a struggle to get. I honestly DO feel misled. And I have been, or I wouldn't have to be writing this letter now, searching the state for a way to contact you and let you know I am not a mom who just passed this baby on to someone else as a relief and moved on. I had the best of intentions and it was for a long term commitment to live a difficult new role, as a birthmother. Not the adoptive mother who would parent, but still as a birth mom, a new family friend.
Before we moved from Tulsa back home across the state, I met with Jayme (hoping to see Nathan, but she did not bring him - my first heartbreak- that is if you don't count the first visit at Chilli's when he didn't accompany her, but I thought that may have been best since it was still so new and I was so fragile emotionally) at the Cracker Barrell and asked that we exchange addresses or email which she said she must ask you first. This was my second heart break to learn that things were not going as planned. Not even an email? There's nothing personal about that. You can set a free one up on any number of websites. Regardless, I respected that and instead gave her ALL of my information, putting the ball in her court, my new address, the email I've had since I was a senior in high school and still have active today, and my grandmother's phone number, which is also still on. She asks about him about every 3 months if not more, and what my progress is, and has encouraged me in my search to find you. I have filled out a forwarding address with the Postal Service upon each move I've ever had and as I said before, contacted the adoption agency to request an update, photos and left my address and phone number numerous times over the last 3.5 years.
To this date I have nothing, but old photos I've pined over. I am willing to honor your new wishes of staying in the background, even though it was NOT what I agreed to for this adoption, because I respect the life you are giving him and only want a happy life for him and you all as a family.
I just wish you would respect that I gave him that life, and I wish to see that he is living it happily. I am attempting to contact you in every way first, but you realize Ive lived as a journalist for 4 years now and I am ready to become an advocate for this tragedy, even if it means writing a letter to the editor of every newspaper, telling my story online, to the associated press for which I am a managing editor of, and even working with the legislators to get this changed in Oklahoma. I work and lunch with Senators, both on the state and Federal level, including the president pro tempore of the house, who happens to be a close friend who encouraged me through college, and I feel if an agreement on a car is valuable, then the agreement on a life should be as well. I know I can make a good case for change in this conservative state which advocates giving life. More women may do so if they believe it can be a beautiful experience, not a sad one of how they were conned and I've found on the message boards that this is more common than just my story.
I would love for us to have a healthy blossoming relationship that I envisioned as well, be it only photos and an occasional letter.
Thank you for your time and love you are providing Nathan, please consider this with all your heart.
"Because the agreement on a car is NOT worth more than the agreement on a child...— Misled Birthmom for Open Adoptions"
hearbreaking.
This is really heartbreaking. I hope you were able to get intouch with them. If they have any heart, they will re-open the adoption as agreed. When your son gets older, he will find out the truth.